Oct. 20th, 2009

sigh...

Oct. 20th, 2009 08:37 am
twoofspades2: (Default)
this last round with my mother has thrown me, all of us for a loop. i don't know how we are going to deal with her. she can't put weight on her broken ankle and she fell while using a walker so she sure can't use crutches. that means a wheelchair. I hope she can learn and has the strength to transfer in and out of one. my father is SO lost. he just keeps moving one foot in front of the other but she was JUST showing some small improvement from the back surgery and now this. he is so sweet to her and does everything for her. six weeks no pressure on the ankle. i just got a job and work 12 hours a day in an office that is fraught with tension and stupid people. I really need to work and I really need some more credits for my resume. the job will last until mid december. I can do anything for two months. I feel guilty for not being able to help my parents though. I do have three brothers but I feel like I bring a different kind of comfort to my mother and father. I also have this wonderful girlfriend who i would like to spend sweet time with without feeling guilty about not being with my mom. that sounds really fucked up. i guess what i mean is that i don't have enough time to do both and it's hard to get the mother stuff out of my head so i can be totally present with my sweetie. my friends have all offered to help in any way they can and it really is a help just knowing that they care and if i need a shoulder they are there, they really can't do anything else. they can't go sit with my mother, they can't spend sweet time with my girlfriend. well they can but that ain't the same thing. Luna needs to be held everyday so maybe someone can come be her nanny but that isn't something i would ask of anyone but M. I am rambling just kinda lost, not knowing what's the right thing to do. I feel bad going to work today but not unhappy not to be going to the hospital. my brothers are going to have to figure out how to give him a break. i guess we are going to have to hire some aids to come help. i know they are not going to like that. this is hard stuff and it might get harder.

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