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i'm okay, really
Aug. 27th, 2007 03:08 pmSo this thing happened two years ago. This past weekend I was aware of what I was doing two years ago. Friday I was oblivious, swimming at the Country Club. Saturday arguing about leaving/not leaving, washing my dirty festival clothes, panicking about where to go what to bring, leaving midnight Saturday blah blah blah, who fucking cares anymore. It’s old news.
I don’t know where to put this stuff any more. How long can I cry about it? How long will I miss the reference points in this city? When do they get replaced by the new ones? I am tired of living this shit but don’t know how to get past it. I am ready to file it away but it won’t go away. I wonder if it would be easier to not be here? I know if I wasn’t here all I would be able to think about is getting back home but I also know this isn’t the place I left two years ago. I am just understanding that we will never be the same, this place will never be the same and I am sad about it. Just cause I can’t imagine being anywhere else doesn’t mean that being here is where I want to be, as I think puma kinda put it between hope and despair.
Things are great! I wasn’t so happy in my old life this new one is full of promise. It’s so strange to hold that and the grief at the same time. I want to head toward the promise and leave the grief behind but can’t seem to shake it off my leg. Both things are everywhere.
Maybe I should go talk to someone (therapist) but I think they are all fucked up too.
I can ‘t get the unemployment folks on the line=still no money for me. I get invited to lunch but don’t go cause I don’t feel like I can’t spend any money. Not the end of the world.
I should be at work today. Glad I think that I am not at work but I am frozen on this first day to even do the dishes. I want to relax what ever that means. Too guilty to be able to relax, not allowed to do that when I am not working, haven’t earned it. Fucked up thinking.
Tomorrow I will make a plan for the day and things will be better.
I will work on being hopeful cause I am way over the despair shit.
I don’t know where to put this stuff any more. How long can I cry about it? How long will I miss the reference points in this city? When do they get replaced by the new ones? I am tired of living this shit but don’t know how to get past it. I am ready to file it away but it won’t go away. I wonder if it would be easier to not be here? I know if I wasn’t here all I would be able to think about is getting back home but I also know this isn’t the place I left two years ago. I am just understanding that we will never be the same, this place will never be the same and I am sad about it. Just cause I can’t imagine being anywhere else doesn’t mean that being here is where I want to be, as I think puma kinda put it between hope and despair.
Things are great! I wasn’t so happy in my old life this new one is full of promise. It’s so strange to hold that and the grief at the same time. I want to head toward the promise and leave the grief behind but can’t seem to shake it off my leg. Both things are everywhere.
Maybe I should go talk to someone (therapist) but I think they are all fucked up too.
I can ‘t get the unemployment folks on the line=still no money for me. I get invited to lunch but don’t go cause I don’t feel like I can’t spend any money. Not the end of the world.
I should be at work today. Glad I think that I am not at work but I am frozen on this first day to even do the dishes. I want to relax what ever that means. Too guilty to be able to relax, not allowed to do that when I am not working, haven’t earned it. Fucked up thinking.
Tomorrow I will make a plan for the day and things will be better.
I will work on being hopeful cause I am way over the despair shit.
